I'm struggling with my depression, my indicision and my goals.

 I never told anyone this myself but my mind is addicted to learning how to make money online, without taking the necessary actions to do so.


If there's one thing I'm told over and over again by my parents is that I'm not capable of selling anything, managing overheads. I'm scared of investing money into a business or opportunity of any kind. This is in no small part of me going to university and I'm told that it's going to take almost my entire mental energy just to study and to graduate. But my biggest reason is that I'm still under my parents' care.


I'm an autistic person who can't sit still or listen easily. For example, when I had someone spoke to me and my mum a couple days ago at an environmental agency about recycling and how I wanted to see if it's an opportunity to make money out of clearing up rubbish as we have that all over England and I'm passionate about clearing it all up, but I've only been doing it voluntarily and I wanted to see if it's possible to make a side hustle, for lack of a better phrase. But I couldn't help but get out my phone and look up some of the things he talked about without properly listening to him, afterwards I wanted to share with him my favorite search engine called Ecosia.


If you don't know what Ecosia is, it's a search engine that's designed to plant trees using advertising revenue from various companies to fund reforestation projects all around the world. It's managed to reach over 100 million trees in recent months. I still raise awareness of Ecosia as I believe that the more people who use Ecosia, the more trees are planted. It's free to use and available to use wherever and whenever you are.


www.ecosia.org


I did it again when browsing for a laptop and I ended up wandering around looking at other computers. It probably doesn't help that I'm used to my Mum doing a lot of things for me as all the complex details can sometimes fly over me. I have suggested that I need to take a notepad with me and write all that I hear down in future occurrences. It could help a lot, I'm sure.


What I'm struggling with, however, is my addiction to learning how to make money from home. Yesterday, I watched no less than three webinars, two of which offered their courses and mastership programs, promising massive returns but were priced in thousands of dollars, both of which I feel like I can't afford to. The first was a masterclass designed to help your spirituality, the second was about making money from blogging and creating digital products that affiliates would then start selling for you. The reasons I didn't commit do include money but I swear it's not just that. It ranges from the university to my parents and my nephew telling me I'm simply not entrepreneur material and my history of trying to run a business does support their beliefs. There's also the problem of me wanting to do things months, if not years ago, and not fully pursuing it, such as a Youtube Channel, why should I just buy stuff when I've got things I want to do but haven't done them? Not to mention that I've lost count on how many people tell me that going to University is a wonderful opportunity. I believe it is, but I'm worried about how Covid-19 has impacted the potential to be with like-minded people as I find that most of my courses are online and that I'm not good at working from home. My parents have offered me one of their spare bedrooms and that I can sleep there and stay for studying. Perhaps I should also stay in a library to study as well.


Why do I want to earn money online? It's obviously because I want to be able to survive on my own. I also want to buy things online but I struggle to maintain my finances, I'm not good at thinking whether It's for me. I have spoken to a lot of entrepreneurs online who do affiliate marketing and they make a lot of money through their methods. They commented on how they either lost everything or were in a very seriously bad place or that they hated their jobs and managed to create a business and had quit their jobs. Some did say that their previous job wasn't all that bad, but I digress, they managed to get themselves up the ladder.


Ultimately I did write down a list of things to do this month and I intend to finish them. I think If I don't do that, then I'm going to struggle with my life and I'll sooner or later go to my death bed with sorrow and regret, which as I understand is what a lot of people do so.


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